29 Aug 2013

MR. Clark's (Very Brief) Advice For New College Students

There will be no further posts today, as I am currently undertaking that most loathsome of tasks: helping someone move. Specifically, my kid sister, who begins her halcyon days of higher education. At least, that's what it said in the pamphlet. I don't remember any halcyon days back when I was in uni. I remember drunks setting off the dorm's smoke alarms at 2 am because they tried to make pancakes in their toasters.

While I'm hauling boxes, and thousands of students prepare to take this first step into adulthood (or, if you eventually become a grad student, a Groundhog Day-like quagmire of self doubt and student loan deferments), I thought I'd share some advice for all those taking their first steps into a larger world (just watch your step: there will be vomit on the floor).

  • Remember all those cliques that you hated in High School? Well, they're all here too, just louder, usually drunker, and more extreme in their weirdness.
  • Watch out for philosophy majors who have just read Sartre for the first time; they will try to have sex with you.
  • Do not attempt to seduce your professor to improve your grades. Seduce your TA, they are the ones that are doing all the marking.
  • The only upside to taking drugs is being the sober one in the room, watching everyone else freak out. This also means that, come the morning, you'll be the only one will a full recollection/camera phone full of pictures of the evening before.
  • Don't drink alcohol just because everyone else is doing it. No matter what anybody tells you, it all tastes terrible, and too much will lead to sadness and pregnancy.
  • I never had to worry about this, but you kids today do: this is a digital society. Everything you do will be put onto YouTube. And it won't ever go away.
  • Despite the convenience and ease, if you eat nothing but meals in a cup, or anything advertised as being "dangerously cheesy," you will get scurvy.
  • If you are currently a grad student: reevaluate your life
  • And finally, the most important piece of advice you can be given:

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